12/22/25

Today my back and neck are really hurting because I slept on the couch, which really stinks.

It seems like there is too little time in the day. I want to learn to play piano and to draw and I want to write and read and now I'm trying to learn html. In the meantime, I have work, I'm gonna start school next year hopefully, I have chores to do at home. Sometimes I just want to relax and watch youtube all day but then I get mad at myself for wasting a day. It's hard though. Everything is at least a little exhausting. I haven't sat down to listen to an album in a while. There's just too little time in the day.

12/24/25

I didn't end up coding with Katie, I forgot to bring my computer ;-; not sure we would've had time anyway, we were too busy watching Eight Crazy Nights, the Adam Sandler. Katie thought it was mid, but I have a lot of nostalgia for it so I forgive it its flaws.

I've been thinking a lot about why the internet is boring now. Now that I have a website, I've been having to make a choice between what excites me and what is actually legible. I think once I've learned more code and have the site where I want it, I'll be able to find a happy medium. The internet being boring isn't just chalked up to legibility, though. The whole world has become more bland, it seems. No more play places, just brown coffee shop aesthetics, no more bright, colourful cars, just 'sleek' whites, blacks, and greys. Maybe a red in there if you're daring. The world has become so much more beige, so much more streamlined. Katie once said that everyone wants to be the iphone.
I read a book a while back, I wish I could remember its name, but it said that people like the aesthetics that represent what they feel is missing in society. That really stuck with me, but I think it's unfinished, lacking in, dare I say, class analysis. I can see how what I call boring someone else might call calm, orderly, and they may feel that we live in a chaotic world and feel a desire to see calmness projected through aesthetics. But it's impossible not to observe the shame these people also feel. When I hear from people advocating for 'sleekness,' which I would call beigeness or blandness, typically the argument is framed around an underlying shame. Shame of being perceived as tacky, shame of not fitting in with chique trends, shame of not being behind the times.
I think the flag reform movement of the past ten years is a good example of this. Most people don't actually care about their damn city flag beyond feeling shame that it's 'poorly designed,' whatever that means. They cite these arbitrary rules some guy made up as if they're gospel and not, you know, some guys opinion. Don't be afraid to form your own opinion! Flags are art, you don't need rules for them GOSH!
I'm getting off track. The point is, I think that this shame boils down to wanting to be attached to affluence. We're sold images of sleek, calm white rooms where the influential and brilliant gather to shape the world. We're told that efficiency and productivity are the greatest virtues. We are sold these aesthetics by the spaces and the material conditions that we are require to exist in.
I'm just ranting at this point. I don't really know where I'm going with this. Maybe I'll try to write about this in more detail later and put it in writing. I just wish the world were more colourful.

01/02/26

It has been a little while since I updated. Been thinking about other things. It's a new year! For the first time in a long time that's exciting to me. It feels like everything smells fresher. A lot happened to me last year. I fell in and out of love with someone, I moved to Milwaukee, I finally got on medication, I made community with wonderful people, and I got a job that I love. Despite the horror that we live with, joy arrives in small bursts and makes it all worth it. I hope my 2026 is as good as my 2025. I'm gonna try my best :)

I think New Years resolutions are underrated these days. The fact that they never really stick has made people think that they're useless, and certain people love smugly touting that around. I hate when people do things smugly.
I think that the value in new years resolutions is in what they say about someone. I think talking about your resolutions is a really personal act, a simple way to pour out a piece of yourself. It's casual, yes, but so many profound things are. In that quick conversation with your friend or coworker, you've said something about the person you hope to be, about where you think you have failed, about what you value. It may be that you want to lead a healthier lifestyle. You may want to see your family more. Maybe you want to just stop scrolling social media so much. Whatever it is, it says something important.
It's these small things that make up a person. When you get to know someone, you are engaged in the act of creation. You are crafting a person out of the clay of words and actions. To create something is to, for at least a brief time, love it. I think there is an incredible beauty in the act, and I think that a tool which so effectively communicates values and personal hopes shouldn't be tossed away just because they aren't an effective way of setting goals.
Plus they're fun :p
If you're curious, my resolution is to use my time more wisely.

01/08/25

I've had a really nice couple of days. On Tuesday, we had a christmas party at work. I got some great candy and an awesome book for secret santa, and luckily my secret santa liked her stuff too (PHEW). I went home with Katie and we spent all of Wednesday hanging out. I made her rice and beans for breakfast because it's really easy to make in a reasonably stocked kitchen and it tastes good. then we went to a car wash, then to a few stores to look around, then we went to ikea, an awesome art museum where you can actually buy copies of the elements of each piece. Very neat concept.

1/14/26

Had a pretty uneventful few days, which I guess happens when you work most of the time. I've started writing again and hopefully I'll actually stick to it this time. I'm working on a script for audio porn. It's not easy to write sex! I usually just kind of skip over that part, but I want to actually put this script on the internet and so I kind of can't. I've been reading a lot, though I'm still lagging a little behind schedule. I'll fix that today. I'm rainbow reading, which is what I call reading books based on their colours. I'm sure there's a different name for it, but I don't sure know it! I'm gonna put my read-this-year list on here after the year's through. Let's all hope we last that long :)

1/16/26

Had a very bad few days. I feel so much shame all the time. I'm not staying at my house rn, and I'm not sure exactly when I'll feel comfortable going back. I felt like everything as going right for a while, and then this month has felt pretty hellish emotionally and financially. I just hope that things pick back up soon.
I don't like feeling sad.

It gets hard to think when you're in distress. Ironically, it's probably the time when a clear head can help the most. Sadly, I just can't seem to think clearly at the moment. It reminds me of the Poverty of Philosophy, but only in spirit.

1/24/26

I've been staying at my friends places. I've been trying to vary where I am so that I don't get on anyone's nerves. It's been interesting, but also stressful. I'd like to be home.
I stayed with Maria for a few days and we played Minecraft, then I stayed at Katie's, then I stayed at Howl's and we made pumpkin curry with rice and naan and she said my naan was "insane," which was a compliment. I also did their dishes and they were very grateful, but doing dishes relaxes me so I didn't mind at all. Then I drank with David and Copper and stayed at David's. I think I'm gonna try to stop drinking so much. Right now I'm at Katie's place again. I hope she wakes up soon because I'm hungry! I don't want to cook anything without her permission though.

I read the Faggots and Their Friends Between Revolutions over the course of two days and I think that it's a very insightful book, and I think every queer person should read it. I think it was particularly meaningful to me at this time because of the situation I'm in. I really feel the bounty of friendship freely given. The other day I told my therapist that in a weird way I feel good about what is happening because it has shown me how kind and loving and generous my friends are. They have all been so willing to open their homes up to me. It's difficult for me to feel like anything but a burden, but my friends, so magical, make me feel lighter than air. The friendship is alchemy, and though people may look at us and say we have only iron and lead, we in fact are rich with gold. I pray that soon I will be able to pay it forward.